It's Working...It's Really Working!

I am here to tell you:  following the grief counselor's advice is actually working.  Imagine that. Will wonders never cease?

To review, I have been doing what I was told to do (a miracle, in and of itself...) in handling the Holidays during this first year without Momma.   Here are a few of the bullet points:


Red Lion Amaryllis
in full-bloom on the dining room table

 * Make or bake all of your holiday gifts. (Check back after the Holidays for photos on those...:)
* Shop by catalog or online in order to avoid the extra stress of the rush and crush of the crowds.
* Try to attend at least one special holiday event; fellowship with others is sometimes the best medicine for a grieving heart.
* Keep as many of the family traditions alive as you can manage.
* Start a new tradition in memory of your loved one. (More on this one in the next post.)
* Take time to be in touch with your feelings...you may find you are actually enjoying the holidays rather than just coping with them.
* Put a smile on your face...and you'll find one in your heart.

Christmas Tree...and Door Prizes
at the Master Gardener Christmas Party
12/8/11





Guess what? I have made the gifts, and shopped online (or on Tuesdays in the stores...seemingly the least-hectic day).  Mr. T and I have attended two concerts and a lovely Holiday party (photo, right).  I have written the traditional Christmas newsletter to tuck into the Christmas cards (still working on those...:), and baked some of the traditional goodies...all without tears. 

 OK, truthfully?  I did tear-up a little bit on the newsletter because I struggled mightily with how to address Momma's passing in a thoughtful and appropriate way.  But no tears actually splashed on the keyboard.  Honest.

 Following the advice has not only helped me manage my grief...it's even helped me feel some excitement and anticipation about the Holidays this year. 

 Now, I must admit that our "decorating" has been simple...compared to what is the norm for us:  one tree, a wreath or two, a couple of new nutcrackers for the collection on the mantle and the giant Nutcrackers standing guard at the front steps (tradition!), a few candles and some amaryllis blooms to decorate the dining room table (photo, above).  Duke Energy will probably send us a "We Missed You!" card, as our December bill should be considerably less...since we didn't put out all the usual exterior lights and decorations.  Of course, our yard won't be mistaken for one of the landing strips at PTI either this year.

Butterballs -
A Christmas Tradition for Us

And, my baking is subdued...for me at least:  a couple of batches of Butterballs* (picture, left; recipe below), chocolate chip cookies, and no-bake oatmeal cookies.  I made a big recipe of Spiced Tea mix...as much as my largest bowl would hold...most of that will be shared as gifts, but I'm keeping a large jar for myself. [Follow the link to a recipe similar to mine.]  Maybe I'll whip up a batch of Microwave Pralines. Possibly some Marshmallow Fudge.  Oh, don't get me started...:

Still and all, that hollow, empty feeling is being filled with the sights, sounds, and smells of the Season.  And joy is finding its way into my heart. 

Momma would be pleased as Rum Punch, don't you think?

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Butterballs*

 Ingredients:

1 cup butter, softened (don't even THINK about using margarine...:)
1/2 cup powdered sugar (plus 1/2 to 1 cup more for rolling)
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 T. water
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup pecans, chopped fine

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. In the food processor, chop the pecans fine, almost to a powder.  Remove to a bowl, reserving for the next step.
3. Cream the butter in the food processor.  Add the powdered sugar, the vanilla, and the water. Blend well.
4. Add the flour, the salt, and the reserved pecans to the creamed mixture in the bowl of the processor.  Blend well until a soft dough follows the blades.
5. Roll into 1-inch balls.  Place on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.  Bake in preheated oven for 15-20 minutes. These cookies do NOT rise or spread.  Remove pan from oven before any browning occurs. Allow to rest for 3 minutes.
6. Roll in extra powdered sugar and place on a rack to cool.  Roll again in powdered sugar.

Makes about 3 dozen cookies.  Enjoy!

*(Adapted from a recipe called Delaware Butter Balls in the 1975 Southern Living Southern Country Cookbook...one of my personal favorite cookbooks!)

An Almost-Perfect Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Table all set...
Flowers from Missy M

Ah.  The week after a Holiday is always an exercise in returning to normal, isn't it? 

We enjoyed a wonderful seven days "at home" with Missy M and our grand dogs, Ella Rae and Dixie.  We traveled to our favorite family places and did some of our favorite family things.  We ate all the traditional recipes on Turkey Day (photo, left), served in the traditional dishes (Meemaw's turkey platter; Mama Stewart's Haviland gravy bowl and cut-glass relish dish; Nana's cranberry sauce server; and our very own silver and china).  We toasted our good health and happiness with chilled Biltmore Estates Riesling (an new tradition...:).  We postponed dessert until Friday because we were too full from the feast on Thursday.  And, I almost made it through dinner without tears.  Almost.

The turkey had been roasting since early morn, causing the dogs...all 5 of them...to be famished and fussy by mid-afternoon.  So, while we were trying to enjoy a lovely meal at the dining room table, the Houndz were circling our feet like a shiver of sharks.  Someone remarked that they probably were looking for a push-over to share morsels with them.  I said they probably missed Nana dropping bits of her buttered rolls or bites of turkey like she used to.  And that's all it took...that one observation triggered a grief ambush, as friend LCM calls them.  I tried to control the flow...to no avail.  The tears will fall when the tears will fall...I should be used to this by now.  Up from the table...off to the bathroom.  Cry a bit, dry the eyes, rinse & repeat.  Sigh.

Let us speak of happier things.

Thanksgiving Cheesecake

As I said, we got a couple of day-trips into the week.  The first one was on Friday to Boone (mountains), where we usually shop a little at Mast General Store (Christmas sweaters, anyone?), enjoy a big family-style meal of fried chicken and fixin's at Daniel Boone Inn, and then go to one of the many choose n' cut Christmas Tree farms for "The One." This year was a bit different, since we neither ate at the Inn nor came home with a tree on top of the car...more on that later.  Still, it was a beautiful day, and we had a fun time.  And, by the time we made it home, we were all ready to try that cheesecake with fresh strawberries.  Yummy!  (Photo, right; recipe, below)

Next up, Raleigh on Saturday, for the NC Symphony's Carolina Christmas concert.  Beautiful music...the Cary Chorus....the debut of an original work...and even a singalong:  just right for stirring up the Spirit of the Season.  Then, post-concert, we indulged another tradition of eating Chinese food post-Thanksgiving:  anything but turkey!  We got our favorites at P.F. Chang's at the Crabtree Mall, then did a little shopping at the Container Store (which neither of us has "locally").  It was late when we finally made it home...but we elected to have "just a small slice" of cheesecake...this time with fresh blueberries for the topping.

We started Sunday off in leisurely fashion, making family fav pancakes for brunch.  Afterwards, we began the process of removing the Thanksgiving decorations, in preparation for some Christmas ones...to be added later this week.  Mid-afternoon, we were dressing to attend the Service of Memories when...

Do you know what a little, long-haired black dog looks like after a romp in the attic insulation?  It ain't pretty.  While I was putting the finishing touches on my make-up, Mr. T and Missy M were putting the boxes of Thanksgiving decorations away.  Ella Rae decided that was the perfect time to make a dash into the pink stuff just beyond the floored part of the attic where all the decorations are stored.  Of course, every time they tried to get her to come out of the attic...she just made another run-through...thinking they were trying to play-play with her.  What fun!

What fun, indeed.  Missy M stayed home to give ER several baths, to try to remove all the fibres from the little mutt-mutt's fur.  Mr. T and I headed on to the service, which is an annual Holiday offering by Cumby Funeral Home for families who have lost loved ones in the past year.  We were comforted by the words of the minister from Jamestown United Methodist Church, who took his message from the scripture: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." [Psalm 30:5]  For most of us in the chapel, it was still "night"...for there was much weeping.  For me, the tears fell as before...and of course, I had forgotten to bring any tissues.  You'd think I would learn...



Service of Memories...
Gifts for the Grieving

 We were all given two gifts (photo, left) as we exited the service: a brochure on dealing with grief through the Holidays and a lovely ornament with our loved one's name.  Both will be helpful in the coming weeks, I have no doubt, as we follow the suggestions we were given.  I have already found some comfort in a quote in the brochure, Coping With The Holidays: The Road to Recovery:

"I thought I was doing much better.  The pain had subsided; I could laugh again.  I was beginning to spend time with friends.  My eating and sleeping patterns were back to normal.  Then, I had to face my first holiday without him.  I felt the familiar effects of grief wash over me and it was just like the healing process had never even begun."  -- Anonymous

While I don't feel that I am all the way back to Square #1, I do feel that I've been sliding back down the slope this last week.  More tears.  Less sleep.  That hollow, empty feeling of finality.  But reading that quote helped me see that I'm reacting to loss like others do.

Also in the brochure:

"Writing...will help you express your feelings.  When writing, be entirely honest...; it will help you gain control over your feelings.  Clarifying your thoughts will help you feel less overwhelmed..."

So, here I am.  Writing.  Expressing.  Clarifying.  And, all after midnight.  Ah, well...it's a process, right?  No doubt, I shall sleep better tonight than I have in days.

Another reason I was so glad that we attended this service was that we got to see and hear Thom Gill, a volunteer who sings and plays guitar regularly at Hospice Home of High Point.  He is an angel, and I am glad I had another opportunity to tell him how special he and his music are/were to us.  I hugged him after the service, and we chatted for a while about his music ministry.

We returned home, thoroughly drained but with more peace...only to walk into the final chapter of Doggie Chaos.  Missy M had decided to give ALL of the dogs baths!  Since Duche$$ refused to get into the tub, she got her "bath" in the shower.  The good news:  all the dogs were clean and fresh-smelling.  The bad news:  all the dogs were still a wee bit damp...and I don't think there was a dry towel to be had.  A small price to pay, to be sure...

Cheesecake, anyone?

=========================================================
*Thanksgiving* Cheesecake

Crust:
Graham cracker crumbs to equal 2 cups (about 1 1/2 packets)
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup pecan halves/pieces
1 stick butter, melted
Filling:
4 8-oz packages of cream cheese, room temperature
4 eggs
2 cups granulated sugar
1/2 cup sour cream
1 tsp. vanilla
1 T. lemon juice
Toppings:
Fresh fruit (strawberries, blueberries, etc.), sliced and sugared
     or,
Canned cherry pie filling, chilled
Whipped cream
Chocolate sprinkles

A minimum of two days before you wish to serve the cheesecake, make the crust.  I use the Cuisinart to pulverize the graham crackers and the pecans, although you can put them in a large ziplock baggie and crush them with a rolling pin.  Add the melted butter to the crumbs.  Press the crust mixture into the bottom of a greased springform pan, pressing the mixture up the sides.  I use a greased glass for this part.  Place the pan in the freezer overnight. [You can do this step several days in advance, if desired.]

One day before you wish to serve the cheesecake, preheat the oven to 400 degrees and make the filling.  In the bowl of your mixer or Cuisinart, beat the bars of cream cheese until softened.  Add the sugar, and beat well.  Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.  Add the sour cream, the lemon juice, and the vanilla, incorporating well into the cream cheese mixture.  Pour the filling into the frozen crust.  Wrap aluminum foil around the base and sides of the springform pan, and place it into a larger pan (cookie-sheet size, but with sides of at least an inch).  Put into the oven.  Pour hot water into the larger pan, creating a "bath" for the cheesecake.  After 10 minutes, lower the temperature to 350 degrees; bake for an additional 1 hour and 30-40 minutes, or until the cheesecake has risen and has a lightly-browned top (which might be more or less time, depending on your oven). Turn off the oven, and allow the cheesecake to rest in the oven for another hour.  Remove from the oven. Let cool on a rack thoroughly before placing into the refrigerator (overnight).



Prior to serving, remove from the refrigerator 30-45 minutes ahead of time.  Run a sharp knife under hot water prior to making each cut.  Top the cheesecake slice with fresh, sweetened fruit; chilled, canned pie filling; or chocolate syrup, chips, or sprinkles...and a large dollop of whipped cream.  Enjoy!

Refrigerate any leftovers.  Yield:  10-12 slices 
[Don't even ASK how many calories are in each slice!]

*We have had this cheesecake almost every Thanksgiving at our house. 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back...Regroup and Repeat

It's been a fairly good week, overall. Mostly positive, for sure.  Some unexpected, overwhelming emotions that have caused me to hit the 'pause' button, too.  Ah well...such is life, dealing with grief, right?

Let's start with a positive, even though it's out of order on the calendar.  On Tuesday, after I had attended a Master Gardener wrap-up/planning ahead Plant Sale meeting at the Extension Center (way the heck on the other side of the county, mind you...:-), I dashed to the Moose Cafe out at the Piedmont Triad Farmer's Market to meet a couple of EMGVs at noon for a country lunch (I had the fried chicken, mashed potatoes & gravy, and green beans...yummmmm!  I just wish they would serve yeast-rolls instead of the rather bland biscuits...but you can't have everything, now can you?).  One of them is expecting her second child ANY MINUTE NOW, and I had knitted up a little outfit to welcome Baby M to the world.


5 Hour Baby Sweater Set
for Baby M


I used the 5 Hour Baby Sweater (or 5HBS, in knit-speak) patterns and some warm, washable Cascade 220 wool in hot pink and grass green to create a sweater, bonnet, and booties (see photo, left).  I enjoy knitting these patterns because they are fast and coordinated, and not just garter stitch...but I'm not sure what planet someone knitted these in only five hours!  I'm a pretty fast knitter...and I'm guessing it took at least three times as long to complete the outfit as written (only change I made was to use two colors instead of one...everything else was as written...honest...:).  OK, so I did knit the pieces while watching TV...so what else is new?  Still, I think it turned out as I'd hoped for, and the MG Mom seemed pleased to receive the gift.  Since she's moving to Michigan soon, I'm thinking the wool will be welcomed.

Other good things have included a working-lunch meeting about Speakers Bureau with MGer JA on Monday here in High Point, and a meeting with the MG Rose Garden Project Team in the lovely Learning Center in the Legacy Garden on Wednesday.  Yes, I did go back out to Burlington Road again the very next day.  My car knows the way...what else can I say?

We are working our way through all the tasks necessary to make our presentation on the rose garden on October 5th.  The biggest task for this project has been to identify the roses that we already have planted there.  Hard to imagine, but there is no written record that we can locate.  Well, we're gonna take care of that!  And, we will be ordering and planting a few more later this month...now that's exciting!  Because it has been decided to table the Earthkind (c) Trial Rose Garden I mentioned in my last post for a while, I'm happy to be a part of planting some new bushes.

Are you detecting a theme here?  You would be on to something if you observed that Master Gardening is getting me through this difficult time in my life. And I am thankful for this group and their support more than I can say.

Anyway...



A return trip to say Thank You...

The step back?  Well, it all started with that trip last Friday to see the Bereavement Counselor at Hospice.  I had baked some Triple Chip Cookies (recipe below) to take to the staff, many of whom I had not had the chance to say 'goodbye' and 'thank you' since Mom died at 4:00 a.m. - several hours before the Day Shift came in on that Friday, four weeks ago today.  So, before my appointment, I went into the Hospice Home to deliver the cookies and my appreciation...and to return a book that I'd found in my knitting bag.  I hugged in at the Team Station and all was well, if only a bit wet from the tears.  I got to see several of Momma's nurses, aides, her doctor, and the social worker...and I felt as surrounded by their love and care as I had before.

Then, I took the book back to the desk (a beautiful Bob Timberlake design, by the way) where I'd found it in the Sun Room...and that route took me right past Momma's room.  Of course, another family was there with their family member.  But I didn't need to enter the room to have all those feelings come flooding back.  Whoosh!

Apparently, I tamped them down into my subconscious, because I really didn't talk about that experience with Amanda the Counselor.  It was too new, too raw to discuss so soon, I suppose.  But every day this week, I have tried to do a little work in Momma's rooms...and each night after I do that, I have very vivid dreams about the morning she died...in Room 101.  And, then to top it all off, after the landscapers arrived yesterday to make quick work of cleaning up the Way Back, I just dissolved into a puddle when I came inside and thought about how that area had been my refuge from all my caregiving responsibilities.  So, the grieving is definitely not over...not by a long shot. Sigh.

I'm so lucky to have Mr. T by my side this week so that I don't have to deal with all of this on my own. Where would I be without him?  And, since he has his own moments, he appreciates being able to talk about those to someone close to the issue. That's where Happy Hour in the Morning Room (no, not in the morning...:-) comes to the rescue.  He's doing his end-of-the-month, end-of-the-quarter stuff, so he has to be close to home...most of the time.  Today, he was off to Charlotte so early that he said he'd get his coffee on the road instead of making a pot at the crack o' dawn.  But, he'll be home in plenty of time for Friday Night Pizza and Beer!

And, we are both getting excited about this weekend, when Missy M and my grand-dogs Ella Rae and Dixie come for a long visit.  Woo hoo! We've got something special planned for the next week, especially since this is Mr. T's birthday week...more on that in my next post.



Can you see them?
Two rainbows over High Point!

So, I regroup...because I can't be too sad for too long. I have lots of people and support and activities to help move me forward...to keep me from sliding back too far.

And, I have faith.

Speaking of which, I forgot to share this photo I took as we were returning to HPNC after Momma's funeral.  Remember...we saw a Double Rainbow last September, just about this same time, when we were in Maui?

Two sets of double rainbows in one year?! I'm so lucky!    Maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket...:-)


===================================================================

Triple Chip Cookies

1 stick of butter, softened
3/4 cup brown sugar, packed
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
2 1/4 cup self-rising flour
1 cup chocolate chips
1/2 cup butterscotch chips
1/2 cup white chocolate chips
1 cup pecans, chopped (opt.)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.  Line cookie sheet(s) with parchment paper. Set aside.

In a large bowl, beat the butter and sugars together.  Add eggs, one at a time, and continue to beat until fluffy. Add vanilla and mix in.  Slowly, add in flour until well-blended.  Stir in chips and nuts; blend thoroughly.

Using a cookie scoop (or small ice cream scoop), form cookies on cookie sheets.  I can usually get 11 or 12 cookie "balls" on a sheet.  Bake for 11-13 minutes, or until lightly browned.  Do NOT overbake.  Remove from oven, and allow to cool on the cookie sheet for at least 2 minutes.  Remove cookies to baking rack(s) to finish cooling.  Store in airtight container to keep soft and chewy. 

This recipe makes enough for 24-30 large cookies. You can even freeze 1/2 of the recipe (after forming the cookies) for baking at a later date.  Enjoy!

Before...and After

The Before...


Hurricane Irene


Before I get too deep into this post, let me reassure those of you who are here because you are concerned about how Hurricane Irene might be impacting us.  We here in the Piedmont of NC are high-and-dry, and only a wee bit wind-blown.  As of mid-morning on Saturday, we have had wind gusts reach 32 mph, and if any raindrops have fallen, they have escaped notice.

Now, that's a mixed blessing in a way.  We are sooooo dry here that we almost wish we could get some of that rain that is falling currently at the coast...over 6 inches already at Wilmington, which wasn't even in the direct path of Irene.  Further inland, before this is all over, there will be significant flooding, especially in the towns on the sounds. I noticed yesterday that they were letting water out of Oak Hollow Reservoir (close to our house) and into the oddly-named Deep River, I suppose in anticipation of getting more water coming in than it could hold?  Don't think that's going to be an issue, though.  Ah, well.

And now to the After of the title.

I am happy to report that Mr. T survived his first major earthquake and the aftershocks.  On Tuesday of this week when the 5.9 quake struck the East Coast, he was in the Richmond area (of ALL places...:-), about 6 miles from the epicenter, preparing for a New Dealer Installation.  He sent me a text right away...and that was my confirmation of what had just rattled our house here in HPNC, long before our own news channel began to report it.  I was just sitting down to a late lunch when the house and all its contents rumbled and shook...and I thought "was that an earthquake?"  Don't think I've felt one of those since my Memphis days!  Of course, I grew up practically on top of the New Madrid fault, so earthquakes like this one were not unusual.  He, on the other hand, has only felt a few in his lifetime...and none as strong as the one this week.

As an aside, I do have to report something I read in the GSO paper on Wednesday.  They couldn't tell us what the magnitude of the quake was in the Piedmont.  Know why?  Well, it seems that the seismometer at NCA&T (the only one in this area) wasn't even turned on.  "Didn't need it." Wonder if they've plugged it in yet, after the fact?

Well, three weeks after Momma's death, I feel as if I am stepping out of a fog into the sunshine.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I am concentrating on volunteering to draw me along my path through grief.  I have been participating in a variety of Master Gardening volunteer activities and have signed up for several more.  One of the major commitments I have made is to be on a committee of three that will bring the new Earthkind(r) Rose Trial Garden to life over the next year...a first in the state of North Carolina!  I won't go into great detail now; you will be hearing way more about that in the next 12 months, I'm sure. If you just can't wait, follow that link to the home of the Trials at Texas A&M. (Oh, I know that set one Aggie's heart a-flutter, didn't it?  :-)

And yesterday, I had my first session with Amanda, the Hospice Bereavement counselor...lovely lady.  Thankfully, she had boxes of tissues placed strategically about her office; however, I didn't need quite as many of them as I had anticipated.  She asked me several thought-provoking questions, listened to my answers, and in general made me feel that I was on the right track.  She gave me some suggestions and a reading list.  I will have another one-on-one session with her, then I will join a group called Healing Hearts.  More on that in future posts, too.

I can also report that I have made it through the clothes in Mom's closet.  ATT, my BFF from childhood, gave me some great advice based on her own grief experience:  don't be too quick to complete this chore.  After her mother died, circumstances required her to move quickly on going through her Mom's things, and now she wishes she'd been able to take a little longer. Thanks, A, for sharing that with me...and giving me permission to slow down!

It's so much better to know these things before...rather than after, don't you agree?

Today is the First Day...

Today is the first day...of the rest of your life?  You know, I never really understood that saying, the original of which was attributed to 60's Synanon cult guru Chuck Dederich.  But it made a great marketing slogan, didn't it? My roommate at USM in the early 70's had a poster with that saying, and I used to stare at the words and try to understand them. Over-analyzing them..something I have been accused of doing with probable cause, I would wonder: Well, of course...isn't every new day the "first" day of the rest of your life?  Silly, really.

I prefer to think of it in other terms...

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

~Cherokee Indian Proverb

or, possibly even...

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

~Babatunde Olatunji, a similar version is also attributed to Alice Morse Earle

Hey, I love history...and I love a good mystery.  And what's not to like about presents??

Anyway...

Today is the first day... in a very long time that I awoke after 8 full hours of sleep.  Granted, I roamed the house until after midnight and didn't get to bed until nearly 1:30 a.m., and it took me a little while to settle down and fall asleep.  Since Mr. T was out of town, I was on my own for the first time.  He's been so good about scheduling and rescheduling...and re-rescheduling his work in order to get back home for the night, so I wouldn't be alone overnight.  Well, as alone as one can be with 3 rather large hounds in the house and on the bed.  But, last night, tag...I was it.  And I didn't particularly care for being it. So, there is work to be done in this area.  Still, work can always be done better on a good night's sleep, don't you agree?

Today is the first day... I made coffee for one.  Before June 9th, even when Mr. T was out of town, Momma and I had our morning coffee, usually made in the French Press instead of the drip-o-lator. I used to do 4 scoops to a whole carafe filled with boiling water, and it was just right...meaning it was a bit on the strong side, which is how I prefer my coffee, since I typically drown it in milk.  Ahem.  After Momma went to the Hospice Home, I just got my coffee fix in their kitchen; I even kept a "real" coffee mug there so I wouldn't have to use a Styrofoam cup.  So today I put a couple of scoops of Eight O'Clock's Columbian in the bottom of the French Press and poured it about half-full of boiling water. Hmmm..not quite right.  I still have some work to do on those measurements.

And, today is the first day... I laughed instead of cried when I forgot.  I was loading the laundry, and before I pressed the Start button, I headed into Momma's bathroom to gather her basket of dirty clothes to add to the machine.  Got all of the way from the laundry room to the bathroom door before I realized what I was doing.  Oops.  I am happy to report that no tears were shed at the time.  I just shook my head, turned on my heel, and chuckled back to where I'd started. 

Don't get me wrong...I'm quite capable of an afternoon shower or two, especially while reading the sweet and comforting cards that are still arriving in our mailbox daily.  But, even that is getting better.  Earlier this week, I received a card from a Master Gardener friend from Greensboro...a classy & sassy woman, who has nurtured me through the internship process even though she scarcely has time to breathe because she is so busy, and who had not known Momma personally.  In it, she thanked me for sharing Mom's life story in the Tribute Picture Album...and then she wrote:  "sounds like she was a helluva broad...must run in the family!"  I'm not sure whether the tears were rolling because I was laughing so hard or what!  Way to go, JA! You made my day!!

Oh yes, dear readers, my grief is still present, front and center. I'm not going to get past it in a mere two weeks.  You see, I lost both my mother and my really close companion and girlfriend to cancer at the same minute of the same hour on August 5, 2011. And, my job as caregiver ended forever with her last breath. Talk about your life-altering changes.

But, I also know that I have an opportunity to write this new chapter, too. My fingers are poised over the keyboard, and I have a blank page in a new document and an unsaved file in a folder named The Rest of My Life. [That's the 21st century version of a clean pad of paper and a newly-sharpened pencil...:)]

What will my new chapter say? How will tomorrow differ from today? I'm not sure...yet. But, given some time and guidance, I'll be able to answer those questions and more.

Guiding me as I work through my grief, I have been tapping into available resources, especially the SUNRISE articles on the Shackelford Funeral Home's website.  In the one entitled About Grief...The Rebuilding of Life, I have especially connected with Suggestion #4, Create and Build a New Life for Yourself. Here's an excerpt (the emphasis is mine):

Many find volunteer work very fulfilling. This provides one with an opportunity to invest himself/herself in others which is very therapeutic and fulfilling. Once you pass through this gate you will be well on your way toward recovery, and it will be accompanied by a feeling of deep joy. Keep in mind that you are in control of your life and that you have the constant option of reviewing and revising your plans.

As an Extension Master Gardener Volunteer (EMGV), I have an abundance of opportunities to "invest (myself) in others."  I took advantage of a couple of those yesterday: a training class to learn the newest Speakers Bureau presentations in the morning, followed by a 3-hour shift on the Infoline in the afternoon.  It was so "therapeutic and fulfilling" that I signed up to be the presenter for several programs September-November.  I also have a couple of Gardening articles to write in the next few weeks.  I'll keep you posted on all of those.

And, I even though I haven't gotten Mom's rooms cleared yet, I am following the advice in Suggestion #2,  "Building on Your Beginning." 

As you make a simple beginning in your recovery you will slowly and gradually begin to regain confidence, balance, and self-esteem, and, in time, you will once again begin to feel alive. Remember, this process takes place gradually. Take things slowly and in stride. “Easy does it,” is a wise old adage that applies here. Do not be bothered by slight regressions. Progress does not occur in a steady, upward swing, but a gradual up-and-down movement that progresses upward.

My darling daughter reminded me that there was no hurry.  I made my way through a good portion of Momma's closet, but I just had to stop. Too painful. Too soon. But, at least I began.

And so, today is the first day... that I began to feel alive again.